I was working with a gentlemen, who was struggling with anxiety, and he would often be down and out for 3-4 days at a time with nearly zero energy. He was begrudging this pattern and I asked him what was going on.
He said, “I just lay there. I start resting. I stop looking at the virus cases on the news. I stop watching t.v.” I then asked him what the value to him of doing that? He said, “it seems as though the benefits to those is that I can start fresh. I stop beating myself up. I get to regroup and re-energize. I get a chance to correct my thinking. I start a new cycle.”
Every rechargeable battery at some point needs to be recharged. What do you do? You take it out of the flashlight, place it in the recharging station, and don’t do anything until it is recharged.
The problem I see with most couples, is they actually don’t take the time to recharge properly and also fail to understand the value of the times when they do feel closed. They miss the fact that the closing IS a call to recharge. They fail to recognize quickly enough when the symptoms are presenting, to even consider that a battery reset is in order.
Some signs that you are closed and your battery is ready for a recharge:
• being overly critical
• incessent nagging
• feeling repelled
• walking around or in another direction
• difficulty looking each other in the eyes
• starting to hyper-focus on what you don’t like about them
• feeling tense in your chest, neck or back around them
• feeling anger and frustration towards them
And the challenge for most couples, is the only time they have to process any thoughts or feelings, is when they are about to go to bed, which they still are beside that person, most likely with their attention drawn to what is not working.
So what do you do about it? Here are the three steps.
Isolate – When you isolate, the goal is not to move away from them, the objective for doing so is merely to connect to yourself; your body, feelings, thoughts, and energy.
In the isolation phase, you are creating the space to regroup. Place both your hands, palm over palm on your chest, and very gently breathe in the mouth and out the nose. Feel the rise and fall of your chest with eyes closed.
As you do this, focus on the movement and breath under your hands while you just add some appreciation for being alive. Focus on you in this moment and do this for up to 5 minutes. As you range between 3-5 minutes, my clinical experience shows a drastic drop in stress hormones and much improved balance between body, brain and heart.
Meditate – this word’s origin is meditāciǒun, “contemplation, devout preoccupation; private devotions, prayer” from the old french méditacion “thought, reflection, study and a thinking over”.
So don’t worry, meditation is going to be to contemplate, reflect and to think over. And the best way to do this is to bring up your partner in your minds eye. Let’s look at him or her’s image and ask yourself, what is the value of this person right now in my life? How are their challenging aspects helping me to learn and to grow? What are they having me become more aware of that I need to look at?
Your subconscious already knows the value they are bringing to your life, yet your biases and beliefs are blocking your conscious mind from seeing them. This meditation, this time to reflect and think over, is most constructive doing it this way. This meditation is NOT about relaxing a mind per se, it is about seeing value in your partner, right here, right now. You continue this exercise until you begin to feel lighter, more energized, and more clear. Do this exercise until part 3 automatically kicks in.
Initiate – When you see enough value in your partner, your body, with more connection and flow will automatically be drawn to initiate a more constructive and connected interaction, because that is what you are…more constructive and connected around them.
Follow your new desire to interact, and be attentive to that part of you that is concerned with them being the ‘same’. Give them the opportunity to show a more connected and caring side to you, as you would want the same from them. If you are allowed to change your position, then of course, so are they. Don’t go in there trying to prove anything right or wrong, just head in with ease and observe through your more connected and appreciative state.
As you move toward them and interact with a greater sense of energy, flow, and appreciation, the likelihood of novel conversation, capacity to understand or listen, as well as the ability to let things evolve is enhanced. As a partner, that just feels really good.
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