Healing trauma is no doubt a reality and a buzz word.
It’s so important, yet most people circle and dance around it, like it’s an illusive, intangible idea. And in this idea that people see, comes this never ending cycle that people will use to avoid taking responsibility for their healing, and play out the victim role.
Now, I have to say that healers and therapist alike, we have done a relatively poor job of clarifying for the consumer of healing, exactly what healing is. And well, the interesting part is that wherever the healer or therapist is at on their journey of healing, is going to be the definition and outcomes that they bring to the table. This is why it gets confusing.
For some, just “not being a victim” is healing. For others, “changing your beliefs” is healing. For another, “forgiving others” is healing. So understandably the consumer will have a difficult time differentiating what healing actually is.
My goal here is to describe the healing process, to give you the end in mind first, so you can then know that it requires some reverse engineering to get there. The absolute end moment of the trauma cycle
Heart swelling, mind expanding, body relaxing moment of spacious appreciation for divine order, perfect harmony, and your evolutionary journey. Time and space dissolve. Gratitude and presence are dominant. A moment of wordlessness, pause, and awe.
So, not like putting it out there to start, as the ultimate goal, yet it needs to be known that this is the objective.
What will not get you there:
1) Talking in more angles about the same story. Yes it’s cute to have a good gab session and hear yourself being ‘right’ about it over and over. Ultimately to heal, you will need to drop your own self righteous need to be right, and surrender to the fact that you are really only seeing half of the story.
2) Griping about others halts the mission. Hey, believe me, I know it takes less energy to gripe about others than it does to look at your behaviour or psychology. You are required to output more energy when you begin to deeply look at your own experience toward the truth of what is and what was.
3) Forgiving others is not an option. The idea of forgiving others still is laced with the presumption that they were wrong, and what they did was wrong. Sorry, but this level of imbalanced thinking will not get you to ‘said objective’. You unconsciously still hold a superior position in your mind, and a hidden resentment that circumstances should have been otherwise.
So then, if this is what NOT to do, then what do we actually do to rearrange our perception to get to our objective of ultimate appreciation.
Before we give the steps, it’s important to recognize that a degree of repetition is relevant to achieve the goal. What I mean is that you have hardwired your thoughts and emotions in the autonomic nervous system and brain, therefore, how you see this circumstance or event is essentially a HABIT…and any habit requires repetition to break it. So when we make these recommendations, it’s important to keep in mind that repetitions in what will bring you to the promise land, not some Oprah ‘aha’ moment. We are looking too far beyond the ‘aha’.
Step 1. Write out exactly what is bothering you and why. Nail this down precisely so you can’t take it any further (called first principle thinking).
For example, my phone broke. Thats what bothering me. Why? Because now I can’t reach my wife and kids. Why does that bother me? Because I feel disconnected from them, and if they need me, I can’t be reached. I feel like I can’t be there. What really bothers me, is that I feel that I will be out of touch with them. And not being able to reach them makes me sad and feel alone. I don’t like feeling alone. (now I’ve driven to the core of my suffering, I can’t take that any further…and now I see the emotional association with my phone broke, and that it’s not about my phone, it’s about me feeling disconnected and alone and unavailable to serve my family if I need to).
Step 2. Write what the value to me of being sad and alone, as well as the value to others involved in the situation?
For example, being sad and alone allows me to get certain things I need to get done, eliminates distractions, allows me to focus better, allows my wife to be more independent and be undistracted by me, let’s my mind know that there is no way I can reach them and be disturbed, has me connect with the feeling of sad which I tend to avoid, that’s valuable because I connect with a part of me that is foreign, and then I can empathize better with others, etc…(continue this train of thought until you see such an incredible value for the experience)
Step 3. What are the drawbacks or negatives to me and others if my phone was in perfect working order?
For example, my attention would be pulled in different directions, I would not complete my tasks on time, I would continue with making excuses for being distracted, it would take my wife longer to finish her tasks, I would justify not getting my work done, etc..(this exposes the ‘wishing it was different’, and shows the mind that life isn’t perfect with a working phone and that a working phone comes with drawbacks and negatives)
Step 4. Continue to oscillate back and forth between step 2 and 3.
At this point, you have probably put in enough effort to see things differently. You probably have altered your story about it. Now, you look to take both questions for a longer bike ride, and put in the repetitions. This is where it requires mental endurance to rhyme off 50-100 repetitions for each until the ultimate objective has been reached; Appreciation for what is, what was, and not an ounce of desire to change anything about it. You see perfect order, that it absolutely needed to be that way, and any other way would have not served your evolution, learning and growth.
You are grateful for the broken phone, and see that it was perfect for you and everyone else involved.
To get there, is only energy and repetition.
Now you have a few simple steps, to hold yourself accountable toward greater self healing. I hope this finds you and serves you well.
